Wednesday, January 12, 2011

u carebears are just scurrrred lil cubbies

The following story appeared on the nbcchicago website in an article written by a guy named Ben Bowman, and titled:

Meet the Enemy: Seattle's Weak Warriors


Here is the full story:

Pffffft.  Tee-hee.  Mmmmph.  We're about to play... the... huh-huh... Seaha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hawks in the playoffs!  Hilarious.

The football gods are smiling on us this day, Bears fans.  The skies parted and delivered us a team of NFL rejects, ripe for slaughter.

Look at these clowns.

In the backfield, you've got Marshawn Lynch, a player so overrated, the Bills didn't even want him.  Backing him up, there's Justin Forsett, a guy Seattle already let go once.  Then he rusted in the running back graveyard that is Indianapolis for a few years.  Now he's back.

Their kicker is Olindo Mare.  You may remember Olindo Mare from such historical events as the creation of fire and the extinction of the dinosaurs.

At wide receiver, let's hear it for Brandon Stokley, a fragile, elderly man most people thought had already retired.

Then there's Mike Williams.  He's a receiver whose ego was so enormous, he and Maurice Clarett tried to jump from college to the NFL earlier than everyone else.  A judge slapped him down, so he spent a year eating Cheetos and watching "Match Game" reruns on the Game Show Network.  Then the Lions drafted him tenth overall.  He continued eating Cheetos (and truckloads of marshmallow Peeps) until he weighed roughly 479 pounds.  The Lions cut him.  The Lions cut him.  Then he spent two years out of the league.  And now he's starting in Seattle.


Leading this freak show of has-beens and never-was-es is Pete Carroll, a man with the moral compass of a flatulent rhinoceros.  When he comes to Chicago, clutch your valuables tightly.  He will take anything not bolted down.  He will sell your children into slavery.  He will spend your retirement money on crack, then feed it to puppies.  He is evil incarnate.  And he must be stopped.

This is a losing team.  If the Bears can't destroy them by 20 points, we should close Soldier Field and never speak of football again.
BY Ben Bowman // Monday, Jan 10, 2011 at 08:22 CST

*******************(end of story)

That was the entire story which started a sh1t storm of comments. Below a representative selection with a few notables and prize winners. Enjoy.

PatrickConner: Hahahaha. This is hilarious. I see the fear and desperation dripping off the monitor

bloodrunsblue: Ummm did you do so little research for this article that you didn't realize the Seattle already beat the Bears once this season? Or did you leave that tidbit out on purpose?

NickShelly: As a Seattle fan, I was following a link to the most disrespectful column ever written... yea - but it's funny. Good parody - I'm laughing. :)

Hopefully your Bears will be taking the Seahawks seriously... recall that you already lost once to this team of misfits.

and so on....then this:

wkt1969: So clearly no research is required when writing "articles" for NBC Chicago:

Forsett: He's only been in the league 3 years. He was cut his first year due to an overcrowded backfield, picked up by the Colts to do returns, released by the Colts and then picked up by the Seahawks the same year he was released.

Sloggyblogger says, In my newswriting class, if we wrote a story with a factual error that story was failed. It's my understanding that Forsett spent only enough time in Indianapolis to order an esspresso and catch the next jet to Seattle. This author's characterization of Forsett warming the bench for the Colts is just inacurate. "Then he rusted in the running back graveyard that is Indianapolis for a few years." is clearly a factual error.

Facebook User: "The moral compass of a flatulent rhino"??? This is what passes for journalism in Chicago? That tears it, I'm MOVING there. I look forward to a lengthy career in the, I mean WINDY City.

This one cracked me up....

JudgeSmells: Yes, the Seahawks are terrible...the worst...they stink...the win in week six was a fluke. The Bears don't even need to practice this week. Just rest this week and don't even worry about the Seahawks. They will be nothing but a speed bump on your way to the Superbowl. Just worry about the superbowl. Don't concern yourself with the lowly Seahawks. Think supebowl not Seahawks. Rest . Just sleep...sleep...sleep.

Hawkfan2011: gets the prize for best put down in the category of assaults on intelligence:
Hawkfan2011: This is exactly the kind of drivel I would expect from some small midwestern community-college graduate who, apparently, isn't bright enough to remember that the Seahawks already handled the bears in that arcaic dump they call a stadium. Hey Bowman, do the world a favor and have another bratwurst on us, it'll bring you one step closer to heart disease and the rest of us one step closer to never having to read your garbage again.

That one rubs up against the limits of meanness, but as someone said, "He may be an azzhole, but he's OUR azzhole."

Then some common sense was returned to the discussion by ANONYMOUS:

anonymous: The Bears are a good team no doubt and I sure hope they feel the same way as this idiot journalist.

He may have been right two weeks ago. The 6-9 Seahawks were terrible and a joke, i'm very aware (I sat in the stands for every home game this season). But the last 2 weeks, this is a different team. I'm not sure where the other one went or where this playoff team came from but I'm not complaining.

Right on, brother. Then a prophesy from OSHEN which I thoroughly concur with. I have had similar visions - I am revealing now for the first time.

OSHEN: Believe it or not.... I said it would be a five year reunion!!!!
Seahawks against the Steelers.......Seahawks win by 3....So after we smash you again at home we will play at home and walk are way into the superbowl. This was all planned!!!!!!

Some mystics are better spellers than others. I do not hold it against OSHEN, but for my wife, if she is reading this, OSHEN meant "our" when he wrote "are" on the last line in the above paragraph. English being my wife's second language, I would not want to set a bad example. Unless its funny.

And then, finally, a scholarly treatise dredging up previous mistaken predictions:

12th_MAN: You read BOWnHEADS predictions? What a freaken idiot!
BOWnHEAD Article Excerpt:

The Seattle Seahawks are a worthless excuse for a franchise. They "won" their division with a 7-9 record and a roster filled with rejects you wouldn't want starting for your fantasy team even five years ago when they were slightly more relevant. Somehow, they get to host a playoff game. New Orleans should split them in half with a "Mortal Kombat" finishing move within the first... moreYou read BOWnHEADS predictions? What a freaken idiot!

Then some more common sense:

Bunnyfenton: Why do people have to be mean? Our world already has enough junk going on we don't need to put others down just because. Very poor sportsmenship and poor example for our kids.

Then another entry in the put down category:

JudgeSmells: I guess this is how they talk smack in Chicago. This piece of garbage is not journalism. This is more like some crap blog from some slob living in his mother's basement, not something that is fit for NBC Chicago.

Then there are a lot of "Wowwwwwwww!" comments from facebook users, and a few more entry's to the put down contest. Wow, is right.

Then a Seahawk who was previously an extra on DELIVERANCE said:

JaradMcmahan: u carebears are just scurrrred lil cubbies is all we came into yer house and beat u already in reg. season we'll do it again cuz yer whiney qb is so greedy he's gonna give us turn overs all day long cutler.....

Then he copy and pasted the same message 8 times. Gotta love that copy and paste trick.

This one got me back into the fan mode:

anonymous: Made me laugh. This is not journalism, its a 15 year old's blog about how a 7-9 team who already beat his precious Bears at home, made the playoffs, and is now afraid he will have to suffer the embarassment of losing to a " freak show of has-beens" all over again. But this time it will be on National Television! GO Seahawks!
And this one was clever:

Facebook User: OH YOU GUYS ARE THE BAHAHAHAHAHALREADY BEATEN BEARS? The history of our players obviously has nothing to do with what you are facing ---AGAIN----since we already beat DA BAHAHAHA BEARS.......guess you Bears prefer s@#$ing in the city to the woods-seems to me you write alot of it too---BAHAHAHABEARS.
Does not say much for you all if our alleged "weak warriors" already filled their hunting tag this year--but we'll take the free meal ticket --our freezer has your name on it again... moreOH YOU GUYS ARE THE BAHAHAHAHAHALREADY BEATEN BEARS? The history of our players obviously has nothing to do with what you are facing ---AGAIN----since we already beat DA BAHAHAHA BEARS.......guess you Bears prefer s@#$ing in the city to the woods-seems to me you write alot of it too---BAHAHAHABEARS.
Does not say much for you all if our alleged "weak warriors" already filled their hunting tag this year--but we'll take the free meal ticket --our freezer has your name on it again this week.

Then the award winner of the crudest comment award goes to:

anonymous: Come on guys, it's okay. NBC is only trying to do its part by hiring the mentally challenged, after all. Someone must have left a computer on, and this poorly educated janitor from Kankakee, who can only afford a studio apartment right by the El, decided to have a little fun is all. It must be hard to have 17 cats and live with the smell of cat urine on all of his clothes....
Then, six pages into the comments is the first pro-Chicago comment:

anonymous: The Sea Chickens may have beat the Monsters of the Midway ones this year. But lets be serious that was a different Bears team that wasn't the Bears who lost no games in Nov. and 1 lost in Dec. and just as a reminder to you chicken fans the band wagon of Matt Hasselbeck you have all jumed on has had his one good game of the year. Bear will win and move on to a team above .500.

The next one comes too close to the truth and hurts all the more because of it:

anonymous: It's funny everyone loves the Seahawks this week but they had to give away tickets last week because the so called fans woudn't buy a ticket and yes i live in WA so I know what I'm talking about. A week ago they wanted that guy who they call Jesus to start on sat cause Hasselbeck is garbage this week they love him great fans.
I don't want to start a religious war, but who wouldn't want Jesus playing for their team? I mean, really? Perhaps we could get Buddha to play on the O-Line? Moses seems more like a coach to me, and some of those Hindu's, with all of those arms, would make awesome cornerbacks.

And an objective observers point of view:

anonymous: Who gave this idiot a license to write???? Is this what journalism is in Chicago? I'm not even a seahawk fan, but this is pathetic. The editor that approved this can't be much better... Is this just a sad attempt to try and make up for your teams performance the last time the two teams meet?

Just the facts:

JeremyAlben: Hey remember when we beat you?
Marshawn Lynch 1 TD
Justin Forsett 1 TD
Mike Williams 10 for 123
Oh and on top of all that...A SAFETY!!!

And then finally a comment to warm the heart:

rain69: I am a life long Bears fan and I am saddened and embarrassed at this article. It shows bad sportsmanship and disrespect for a team that has beaten us and the odds more than once. I would like to let the Seahawks fans know that not all Bears fans are like this so called journalist. I will be rooting and cheering my Bears on and hoping they will win, but I am a good person enough to wish the Seahawks luck and extend my hand in a gesture of good sportsmanship.

Then the best post of the day by a guy named Soggyblogger:

Soggyblogger: Is that the best you've got? I know this was mostly for fun, but accusations that Pete Carroll is evil incarnate is both irresponsible and immature without some explanation and justification. That a journalist would pull that trick is sad. That your editors would publish it is scary. There was a great story in the Tacoma paper about Pete Carroll which paints a much more believable explanation for the troubles he endured with USC with glimpses into his character. So far as I can tell, recruiting violations are more the rule then the exception, and it is only a shortage of manpower which prevents the NCAA from discovering them all. Texas AandM was recently reported to have broken NCAA recruiting rules in three separate sports. Maybe Penn State is innocent of any rules violations. The rest of them are all dirty.

As to the chances of the Seahawks beating Chicago AGAIN this season....good to great is my take. Two of the players you maligned, Mike Williams and Marshawn Lynch, who are both classy guys, will let their play speak for themselves. Might Buffalo be regretting the trade that sent Lynch to Seattle after watching THE RUN? A third round draft choice for a proven 1000 yard rusher? The joke is on Buffalo. And Mike Williams we got for nothing. We just had to give him a chance. What could we get for him NOW? Once again, the joke is on the entire rest of the NFL who missed this opportunity. Seattle has a slew of second chance players, plus some great young up and coming talent such as Okung who nullified Julius Peppers in the last game - which we won. Peppers registered one tackle, no pressures, no sacks, no anything else for an entire game. Oh, Yea! Go Seahawks!

After that comment what's left to say?

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